Sunday, November 23, 2008


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So, the eagerly anticipated movie adaptation of Twilight was released on Friday. Being the little fan girl excited spectator that I am, I obviously preordered tickets so that I can get a crappy seat at the front of the theatre.

I was also totally ready for the first excited shrieks of the night when Jacob Black came on screen. No, really, I was ready for the excitement of the Twilight moms and teenage girls (and guys). But what I was not ready for was the hideous wig that was Jacob's hair.

Next we meet Bella's "friends": Mike, Eric, Jessica, and Angela. I thought they were pretty believable, well, more believable than Bella was; I know she's supposed to be quiet and reserved, but seriously, she could have been a statue and no one would have noticed...except for maybe Edward Cullen. He's even more silent than she is.

Speaking of Edward Cullen (cue maniacal screaming from all the fan girls), Robert Pattinson did a good job portraying a teenage vamp torn between love and tradition... perhaps a little too good. Honestly, Edward, would it kill you to smile once in a while? For someone that's been around for a hundred years (and I'm sure the fan girls out there will know how old he actually is), you'd think that he had already moved on past the I'm-an-angsty-and-misunderstood-teenager-who-still-hasn't-discovered-the-meaning-of-life stage.

So why does everyone think Edward Cullen is perfect? He's protective to the point of keeping tabs on Bella's friends' thoughts just to know where she was, he has more mood swings than a girl that's PMSing, and he doesn't even make an effort to get to know any of the kids at school. Too bad Carlisle's vampire venom didn't work for Asperger's.

Another thing that is not perfect about Edward: people = potential next meal. He couldn't even make out with Bella without flinging himself towards her wall (and leaving a huge dent) to stop himself from killing her. Note to self : if a guy likes me (key word: IF), make sure he is not a blood sucking vampire. Werewolves are okay; they're warm, cuddly, and totally not dangerous if you don't get them mad.

And did I mention that he thinks it's completely safe to climb - no - FLOAT to the top of the highest tree in Forks, Washington while Bella's hanging onto his back for dear life? Also, leaping floating all over the forest = not cool. Lastly, when Edward sparkled (or pixelated), his skin, instead of looking like diamonds, looked like someone cranked up the saturation just a tad too much.

I must give props to Edward for this line though: "Yeah, I had an adrenaline rush. It's very common, you can google it."

Half of the movie was just Bella and Edward gazing intently into each others eyes and Edward looking constipated while trying to restrain himself from biting her neck. So I guess it's pretty sad that the only good part that I'll remember from the movie is the vampire baseball scene. The director was probably trying to show their awesome powers and speed and such, but for something so insignificant, it lasted way too long. However, it was a good break from the mental battle that was going on in Edward's head.

Here is when the vampires become stupid (Carlisle is a doctor and Edward has a PhD, but they obviously lack common sense): after finding out that James is planning on tracking down Bella (does her blood really smell that good?), they decide to split up because, hey, it's just too unfair for James to take on all five of them at the same time, right? Let's give the poor guy a break, all he's looking for is a meal.

What's a good movie without commentators? This girl who looked about 10 was sitting beside me and being annoying the entire time. When James started tracking Bella, I heard her say, "He looks so HOT when he's thirsty!" Yes, he is so extremely good-looking with his flaring horse-like nostrils and nasty, unwashed hair. And James: if you can't smell my sarcasm, then you don't deserve to be called a tracker at all.

With that being said, the movie wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. There were some redeeming characters, such as Jacob and Billy, who provided comic relief throughout the entire movie, and I also loved the Cullens' sick cars. But other than that, the whole thing was pretty much just another bad adaptation. But hey, let's give Catherine Hardwicke a break, all she wanted was to be a few bucks richer.


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